It is the Christmas/New Year holiday period. The time where we recover from eating as much food in a day as we do in a week. The time where we actually sleep in, start slowing down, and realise just how tired we really are.
It is the time to rest, and recharge.
And it is the time when our body has enough bandwidth to bring to the surface all the things we have been stuffing down and not facing because we were too busy.
2015 for just about everyone I know was a profoundly challenging year. As was 2014, and we’re all hoping for a peaceful 2016. I suspect that the only peace we’re going to find will be from within, as our world is evolving, and the energies around us are ensuring that we evolve with it.
I have consciously been working on myself, clearing my energies, and consciously choosing constructive thoughts and responses for over 30 years. And yet even with all this work, there is still much that I still also need to transform. Along the way, life happens. Some things I create, some things impact me because the situations are created for others to live their truth and I am in their orbit at that time.
Either way, the tumult of life occurs along with the good bits. I choose to acknowledge and give thanks for the good bits, while healing and releasing the ‘charge’ or ‘pain’ around the not-so-good.
This time of year for me is a particular time of releasing some of the not-so-good. Even though I have healed tremendously I find myself again with a pain in my heart, a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes.
Christmas Eve in 2004 was the time that my son went downhill dramatically with his leukaemia, and he ultimately found peace on January 3. The time in between was hell for me, while I tried to make it the best time of his life for him. Thankfully I succeeded on his part, and he passed with no unfinished business.
For me, however, it has left a legacy of what it seems is a truckload of unfinished business. I kept Kleenex in business for the first 2 years, and then actively supported their company for the remaining nine, in peaks and troughs.
The purpose of this post however, is not about ‘poor me’. Quite the contrary. I want to support all my kindred spirits out there, who have had loved ones leave this world, leaving a hole in their heart and lives.
There is no doubt that losing someone we love hits us deeply.
What I have learnt is that no one can help us move through this profound pain.
We can only do it for ourselves.
And I can testify that the only way to get over it is to actually move through it. Pushing it down with food, alcohol or other means of escaping only put a temporary lid on it, which inevitably bubbles to the surface when you let down your guard.
And so over the years I have gone into my pain, surrounded myself with support, learnt a variety of techniques to release and heal, and created some new ones, and I am glad to say that with each passing year the pain diminishes and more of the good memories come to the fore.
Healing is an active and courageous process, and one I have discovered, that I don’t have total control over. My pain won’t come to the surface on command, and if I push too hard it goes underground to protect me, some part of me frightened that I might break.
The times that it comes to the surface are those that my innate body block determines. And they tend to be around key times relevant to my journey.
Hence for me, the time between Christmas and New Year is a key release time. I try to be bright and merry. I try to celebrate. And my head wants to, it definitely does.
But I am surprised to find, that even 11 years on, that I find myself again with a pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. I am definitely healing, and the good news is that body obviously wants to also. It brings the hurt to the surface in doses that I can handle, triggered by key related emotional times, and my part in the process is to actually let it go and not stuff it down again.
The pain was so great in seeing what my son endured in the treatment of his cancer over 5 years, and then his ultimate death, that my heart felt totally shattered. At the time I doubted that I would ever be able to put the pieces back together again.
However, I knew I had to try. For me, what I had been through was so torturous, that I only wanted to go through it once. And for every time I relived it, played the tapes in my head of events over and over, or went into ‘poor me’, I knew I was creating fresh emotional pain which would overlay over the top of the original pain.
I got through it the first time – just – and I didn’t want to test if I could live in continual purgatory.
‘God only gives you what you can handle’ people would encouragingly say to me.
I would say to God:
“Apparently you only give me what I can handle, but I think you have severely overestimated me!”
Well I still think that ‘somebody’ overestimated me, but I also learnt that we never know what we are capable of until we are required to dig deep.
And so it is to this strength that I know I have in there somewhere that I now return. I remember a time, or a number of times, where I stayed strong when I didn’t know that I could be, and I know I can survive. I know that I didn’t go under. I know that I still managed to give my child the best opportunity at life regardless of how I was feeling.
When I am feeling my most hurt, I go within and find my strength.
And then I love myself …
I go out into nature
I put music on that resonates with my feelings
I colour in mandalas (a key part of my healing journey) with whatever colours feel right
I get into water, particularly salt water, as water interacts with the emotions in our body and helps facilitate their release
I get out into the sun and recharge the cells in my body
I get a massage to help my body release its stored trauma
I move my body, whether through dance, yoga or exercise
I work with my energy systems to release painful old memories
I remind myself of all the blessings I have in my life
I ask for hugs and cuddles
I hand my pain over to God or the Universe, or something bigger than me.
Putting myself first, for me, was the biggest challenge. If it is for you too, then I would encourage you to give yourself the space, love, time and nurturing that you would give to someone else.
You WILL heal. But it is an active process. The greatest act of service you can give to the world, is to heal yourself first, and then what you give to others will be even more profound.
With much love for you, and respect for your strength.